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Computing FAQs; Some Tough One's Answered

By Team Nusta Khallas

Bombay, May 4: We at Nusta Khallas were browsing the net and found this link from Compaq, no less.
It galvanised us into sending reporters to major brands in town to get their list of FAQs. (Please check the link first and proceed).
We submit some we received yesterday.

How can I find my computer?
Our experience shows that it is almost always in front of you
I have Windows 98. Is it compatible with the new Windows 98.0001?
Unlikely unless you have the original, fully-paid version of XP
What happens when I am asked to Enter?
A cue, subtle mind you, to come in
What does the Escape/Exit key do?
Either you depart for good or your machine vanishes
When I press On, my computer does not work.
There is a facility called Wall Socket. Plug it in
What happens if I press Control and Home?
You will get a Notepad file on how to manage your house
What does the Wake Up button do?
Reminder that you have fallen asleep on the zzzzzz key
Will the F1 key take me to Schumacher's homepage?
You can't be that brilliant. Call for serious Help, quick
How do I know Caps lock is on?
You may encounter difficulty in locating dandruff
When do I push the key with the Windows?
After you repeatedly bend sideways to vent
What is clock speed?
Ability of your watch to display current time
What are cookies? How do I find them?
Cookies are edible. They can be found by long Drives
What are .exe and .dat files?
The former are publicly known in Saudi Arabia but we don't know about dat
Why am I always being asked to reboot?
The previous pair is far too humidified
Why is there no button preceding F1 on my keyboard?
It would be very impolite to ask you to FO

Help Comes From Unexpected Quarters

By Gautam Date

New Delhi, May 25: Close on the heels of Bangladesh offering to mediate in solving the impasse between India and Pakistan, Maldivian president, Maumoon Abdul Gayoom has gone on record to volunteer naval and logistical assistance.
"Our navy's motorised fishing trawlers can be at India's call," he said in Male yesterday. "They are fitted with high-tech catapults capable of 0.72 nautical miles. As per the SAARC agreement, they can be deployed in Karachi harbour and used from there."
Jaswant Singh also got a call from Surinam, which offered the services of its sole Olympic medal winner as a camouflaged covert operative.
Offers of assistance are coming in from unusual quarters as well. Iceland bestowed a few bergs to cool things down, while Fidel Castro dispatched a planeload of Havanas for the troops. Saddam would provide a little oil, updated Scuds, bunker construction architects and the latest genetic technology for a stiff middle finger. The latter, officials said, would come in particularly handy later.
The military junta of Mayanmar, anticipating a flash point, finally let go pro-democracy activist, Suu Kyi to Pakistan to advise Musharraf about the birds and bees on that form of governance as opposed to one-horse referendums.
Nepal permitted two companies of Maoist rebels to be stationed on the Himalayas as a contingency battalion.
Vajpayee, while gratefully appreciating such support, politely declined the services of the US air force as being too loud and hazardous - more than IAF MiG 21s that crash with such unerring regularity.
"In Afghanistan, they bombed hospitals, aid workers, relief camps and the Red Crescent more than the mountains and Al Qaeida. They may aim at Pakistan but will end up bombing Trincomalee and Jaffna."

PM's Palms To Be Greased

By Gautam Date

New Delhi, May 21: Prime Minister Atal Behari Vajpayee's personal physician, Dr Randeep Guleria has demanded that henceforth, the PM's palms will be greased. This he reassured, had nothing to do with bribes or the constitutional right of accepting them but to ensure the PM does not achieve any remarkable success in pulling or tearing his hair in desperation.
Vajpayee has been having bad hair days in recent months from remarks by his pusillanimous defence minister, George Fernandes who had notarised killings and rapes as lofty Indian traditions.
In vexation in Parliament the next day, Vajpayee victoriously pulled out a strand.
Some weeks earlier, he successfully tugged one more out when the self-same defence minister remarked that paying twice the price for coffins for soldiers was quite in order. The PM, despite his smirk at the achievement (in pulling out a hair), couldn't figure out that arithmetic even in North Block.
Dr Guleria agreed with White House officials that this could pose a serious threat to Indo-US relations. US Secretary of State Colin Powell, speaking to the press on condition of anonymity, feared it would be difficult for George Bush to differentiate should Advani shave his moustache or the PM take to a walrus one. "Bush is not as ignorant as is generally perceived. It's just that he's just never in the know."
In fact, ever since the formation of the NDA government, Fernandes has been the direct cause of Vajpayee having a frequent go at his residue tuft in sheer hopelessness, leaving him with very little hair to comb and lots of face to wash.

Musharraf Susceptible to Ailment
In a related development from the recent exchange of mortar fire across the LoC, officials at the Ministry of External Affairs don't quite know whether to say Yes before a No prior to endorsing something the defence minister didn't mean but blurted anyway, only to contradict himself the very next day.
In this utter confusion, Musharraf, who couldn't take the perplexity any longer, is believed to have called up Jayalalitha and Laloo Prasad on parallel lines to demand, "Are you going to attack or no? Do something, I am really tired of the Bush."

Unusual URLs

By Gautam Date

Washington, April 15: E-mails were sent with unusual urgency between various state capitals, government organisations, regulatory authorities, webmasters, out-of-work programmers and also cybersquatters to reclaim domain registrations.
Squatters meanwhile have come together and are willing to let the courts decide. Collectively they stand a better chance, it was believed.
We thus have the following being hotly contested

(April 17)
NDA Government: www.clingingtopower.nic.in
Andre Agassi: http://domereflector.net
Telugu Desam Party: www.topeeornottobe.org
Pakistani Editors: http://printgoodthings.com
Bangaru Laxman: www.dollarswilldo.net
Indian Air force: www.mig21crashes.in
Sachin Tendulkar: www.walkingtall.com
Sonia Gandhi: http://hashelostit.info
Osama: www.iwasinislamabad.pk (page has moved)
Ferrari F1: www.merilal.org
US Army: www.senduktroops.net/afghanistan.asp
LTTE: www.gettingtired/wantout.org
Jayalalitha: www.fatisfun.com
AK Anthony/Kerala: http://lendmemoney.asp
Cambodia: www.angorwhat.org
Sergei Bubka: www.whatsup.com
Secretary General: www.coffeeand-an.org
Gas Authority of India: www.bakedbeans.com
Mike Tyson: www.grababite.com
Laloo on Learning: www.LoL.edu
Indian Enquiry Commissions: www.carryonseries.biz
Mandatory Monthly Picnic: www.bankstrike.com
Darryl Hair: www.sideparting.net
CV Raman: www.mybiodata.com
Handicap Organisation: www.i-cann.org
Heath Streak: http://runningnaked.zm
Asif Iqbal: www.posteriorhair.pk
Enron Webmaster: www.pressdelete.com
Musharraf's Referendum: www.say-yesor.con
Government of Argentina: http://broke.ar (page cannot be displayed)
Bill Gates: www.needlessmoney.ms.com
Clinton: www.kneeldown.ugh
Indian Telephones: http://outoforder.dot.in.out
George Bush: www.makenomistake.gov
Laloo Prasad Yadav: www.laughanytime.co.in
Osama bin Laden: www.whereami.com (IP address does not exist)
New Delhi Socialist Club: www.letsdosomeone.in
Abdullah Abdullah: www.samething.net

MPs Afflicted With Strange Disorder

By Gautam Date

New Delhi, April 18: Several Members of Parliament had to be rushed to various medical centres in the capital yesterday from suspected psychomotor-parliamentiasis, a unique local disorder.
They fell seriously ill after the august body did not adjourn yet again, for all of ten minutes after being in session.
The sheer exertion of attending Parliament for such long periods of time and that too so frequently, sent members into spells of what normally is associated with delirium.
Initial reports suggest the recent motions passed (adjournment and Pota among others) had upset their entire system.
Congress-I members were discharged after first-aid.
Ruling NDA members though, were advised several precautionary tests and had to be placed under critical observation.
Cranial CAT-scans of TDP MPs showed singular vacillations between the I Love Him and the Bad Knees hemispheres specially when shown a Vajpayee visual.
It was also alleged that some rather expansive and wide-bodied feminine charms from the south were the latest source of psychomotor-parliamentiasis, upsetting status quo and decorum that was maintained earlier by trading in horses .
When contacted, the dean of neuro-psychology of the AIIMS, Professor Breakdan Singh sent a SMS brushing aside the symptoms as occupational hazards.
To alleviate such abject suffering, MPs would now be required to first pass through the Enter gate and briskly exit the Exit as proof of attendance. A voice vote decreed that abstinence from strenuous and fatal activities like attending Parliament would henceforth be encouraged.
Business could always be transacted later in the evening at topless bars, parties, nightclubs, discos and social gatherings.

Career Cornerstone and Fond Memoirs

Last Writes by Nusta Khallas

A conceivable tome as an inevitable tomb for a delayed Narendra Modi.

With no official income and nothing better to do after being bodily thrown off in utter disgrace from a cushy income and post, freebies are hard to come by.
My official duties then required me to be just irresponsible, a disposition that came so naturally.
For that I got a palatial, fully air-conditioned government bungalow, all perks and avenues to loads of undeclared income.
After a long time, I grudgingly accepted the brilliant suggestion of getting my memoirs written (why didn't I think of that?).
But obviously I can't cite lack of intelligence. It would look foolish.
I vaguely recall when holidaying, someone requesting my tacit approval for one community to kill another. Disturbing vacations are a strict no-no. A few hundred burnt or killed is hardly reason to act responsible. Besides, had I not officially permitted the carnage as the state's CM, how could Gujarat get international media prominence. A representative of the people has to maintain a dexterous balance. Allow the reprisal killing of one kind so that equilibrium in ratios is maintained between communities, which in turn can negate the effect of the initial round of murders.
When I found the time, I always encouraged such ethnic cleansing. I even went so far as to reprimand and banish police offices who were actually aware of their jobs. Honesty in discharging duties is such an irritant. I think the officers believed they were actually hired for policing.
Such subtle and ingenious politics is not what consensus is made of. I succeeded so eminently in bringing the state into media glare. I even had the prime minister himself come a-calling.
But alas. The primeval and uncivilised mentality of Human Rights groups, most Indians and some unsolicited, chance headlines did me in.
I'll return to ghost towns when the census bureau discovers a horrifying and alarming ratio between the minority and majority at 1:40. That's when I'll be in my true irresponsible element.

Serious Threat to Indian Education

By Gautam Date

New Delhi, March 26: Educationists, teachers, academicians and professors have sent a plea to the Prime and Defence Ministers requesting them to urgently take corrective steps to save their jobs and careers.
They were disturbed by a recent volley of reports that Pakistan Will Teach India A Lesson.
For reasons the minister for lower education Shankar, Krupya Gyan could not explain, Bihar recorded a strange, marginal rise in educational levels.
"Education? In Bihar?" asked the completely aghast minister. "This is - well, what can I say - shocking news to me. I am not aware of these undesirable developments," a typically ignorant Gyan said.
The Pakistani president, no less, had reiterated for the five hundred and seventy seventh point eight two-th time since as far back as February 2002, that Pakistan will teach India a lesson.
Tariq Aziz, who shares the same script-cum-fiction writer with Pervez, echoed his chief's sentiments. "We will not tolerate any troop movement from India however aggressive or fiery their motions are," he said when soldiers from Kanyakumari began hinting of a move to a journey and final deployment along the LoC. "Pakistan will teach India a lesson," Aziz elaborated in Washington while winking at Bush, only to be reminded that Pervez had said it thrice already a few minutes earlier at a public rally in Islamabad.
Abdul Sattar, Pakistan's foreign minister, was looked at askance by Pervez for straying the hackneyed track and omitting his country's name. Sattar was quoted by the media as having said "India will be taught a lesson", thus rephrasing the official hyperbole, suggesting erroneously perhaps, of a likelihood education could come from the Maldives and not Pakistan.
Troops at the India-occupied India were hard-pressed maintaining semblance between military ordinance and frivolous giggles. Major General Jasbir Singh of the 7th Infantry Battalion added from the frontier that many soldiers have unsubscribed their humour newsletters for Radio Pakistan which provided better fare.
Related story Headlines Make Pervez

Cricketers' Stand for Stands

By Gautam Date

Mumbai, February 6: Prior to Zimbabwe's forthcoming tour of India, Mumbai cricketers have come together as a forum against what they called the 'arbitrary and nepotistic' attitude of the Mumbai Cricket Association (MCA).
The Bombay Cricketers Association (BCA) has demanded equitable FSI at the Wankhede Stadium.
Said Khushroo Rustomjee, captain of the Parsi Gymkhana and chairman of the forum, "If they can have a Sunil Gavaskar Hospitality Stand where beer is served, we demand a Vinod Kambli Enclosure."
The new enclosure, envisaged Rustomjee, would have cubicles with plush seating, personal colour TV with remote, a well-stocked built-in bar offering beer and scotch, internet connections, attached toilets, ATMs for the latest odds by ladbrokes.com, telephones (with hotlines to Dubai), bottle openers besides five-star cuisine served by waitresses. The capacity is likely to be around 5,000.
It would be exclusive to members of the BMC Kamgar Karmachari Sangh.
Giving in further to the demands of the BCA, the MCA has also allotted a 2000-seat stand to GM Rao, a West Zone player who has successfully managed to get discarded from the Ranji team.
Partly sponsored by the UB group, it would have vending machines for all the brewer's products, a direct escalator to Marine Lines station and free first-class Western Railway coupons validated upto Borivali.
When contacted, the MCA secretary admitted that with these stands, the general public was offered all of two seats to view live, India's thrilling losses.

Addendum:
Strangely, all placards bearing the numericals four and six have been banned since it is now believed, they serve no practical purpose and are perceived to be redundant.
Instead, umpires have been advised to closely monitor the stands periodically for the legend: Lift Index Finger.

Top News Today, Everyday

By Gautam Date

New Delhi, AD: Harried editors met at an international enclave here to formulate standards for newspaper headlines in keeping with the ethics and conduct of proper reportage.
The underlying consensus was that this would increase productivity and save time, thus giving their staff more leisurely hours at bars and night-spots. It was also theorised that this would ensure utmost uniformity in headings across the media.
After extensive deliberations, a white paper (with text on the reverse) was prepared on permanency of the following headlines based purely on sheer regularity. Only blanks had to be filled and fount size set.
1. Train collusion claims -------, -------- orders probe
2. India wins ----- gold in hopscotch at G-1 Games (briefs)
3. Bihar MLA guns down ------ (permanent)
4. Ordinance Factory fire toll --------
5. Bank strike from ---------- (briefs - so whats new)
6. Sebi unearths massive fraud at --------- Industries
7. -------- Exp derails, -------- dead
8. MLA ----------'s son nabbed for rape
9. Strike paralises life in ---------
10. Calcutta sans power for -------- days
11. 5-star jails in Bihar; ITDC loses -------- hotel
12. Date set; Ram temple by -------- Dec 9999: VHP
13. Strike total, claims ---------
14. IT finds ------ crore at peon's bungalows
15. Oppn stages walk-out (permanent)
16. --------- held for tax evasion
17. Police fire on mob, -------- dead
18. -------- adjourned sine-die
19. Prez, PM pay tributes to -----------
20. Budget is anti-people: Oppn (permanent)

The conclave concluded that floods and earthquakes were a trifle less frequent than the above and so their templates ought be in the "reference" folder. Ditto overdue obituaries for geriatric parliamentarians.
Howlers beginning "India wins..." were booed and not considered at all. Why trouble readers with unfamiliar and alien fiction.

Heavy Security Arrangements

England Complain Again

By Gautam Date

Bombay, February 4: Following England's five run win against India in the final ODI at the Wankhede Stadium yesterday, captain Naseer Hussain and team coach Duncan Fletcher yet again lodged a complaint in quadruplicate, this time around rather strongly, with the MCA, BCCI, the ICC and the police commissioner against security measures that the former claimed were wholly responsible for India's loss.
"It had nothing to do with cricket," said Hussain and Fletcher in unison.
Elaborating on the complaint, Hussain said that the comprehensive protection provided to Sachin and Sourav prevented any runs on the on-side and most parts of the off-side (where the two players were fielding respectively) since the four securitymen obstructed the ball from going anywhere near the players.
The Y category, heavily armed policemen were in mufti, sporting India colours, pads, helmets, gloves and the Sahara logo.
This wily camouflaging technique, the police believed, would make identification of Sourav and Sachin - more so the latter - extremely difficult for any sniper.
Frustrated at having to play with the four additional players and unable to pierce their cordon, Hussain said, "How can any team play against such highly professional fielders? They receive years of training. Ours is such an inexperienced team."
Fletcher added that the total experience of the four policemen was more than that of the Irish, Scottish, Tory, Conservative, Labour besides incidentally, also the British team put together. He also squarely blamed the proper and sound umpiring decisions throughout the D/N match. "The umpiring was deplorable. How can the umpires be so consistent and true? We are so used to the finger going up either for each appeal or for no rhyme or reason. This is just not on. This is shoddy umpiring."
On crowd behaviour, Hussain said, "We didn't mind being hit by chilled empty beer bottles from one of the stands where it was served. But when one of our players was seriously injured, I had to complain against mineral water bottles."
The MCA and the BCCI, when contacted said the ICC had been briefed and the latter has instituted a one-man enquiry into the incident headed by Mike Denness.
His notoriously impartial, unbiased fines and reprimands are eagerly awaited.

Hair Hair Saved

By Gautam Date
Bangalore, January 18: The Satya Sai Baba was shot at by a devotee masquerading as an assassin as the latter was on his way to his regular morning shooting work-outs.
According to the Additional, Assistant and Deputy Divisional Commissioner (on special baba duty) of police, KVSSPR Lamboopad, the assailant, who was later pinned (and) down, came to the morning darshan with an air pistol and fired point-blank at the sage.
Lamboopad did not discount theories doing the rounds that it was the godman's most distinguished feature - his hair - that saved His Eminences' life.
Nustakhallas spoke to the dean of neurology, All India Institute of Neurological Sciences, Ludhiana (Punjab), Professor Breakdan Singh who said that he had long experience and the honour of closely monitoring His Holinesses' cranium many hours earlier to the shooting when the baba had complained of complete mental fatigue and total memory loss when reciting Om.
Said he, "The Sai Baba has a badly countoured skull. His hair is not mystical but more to cover the oddball shape in high winds, even from devotees."
The attacker had aimed at the baba's left temple. Professor Singh said that the pellet from the air-gun entered the famous crop and because of its trajectory, was forced to deviate due to imperceptible amounts of deflection from oily follicles and the 'air corridors' created by the bizarre shape of the cranium to navigate to the right and finally lodge in a 44-year old banyan tree. "That's the only scientific and medical reason and theory I have to offer," said Professor Singh an acclaimed expert on the baba's penchant for bull.
The Save The Tree Foundation had to chop the standing timber and send the pellet for a thorough post-mortem by the Forensic Science Department, Government of Bihar.
Reports are eagerly awaited.

Gonzalves Wins Unopposed

By Gautam Date

Bombay, February 13: The sitting Compress-I corporator from Orlem (North-East Reserved) constituency, Speedy Gonzalves unanimously won unopposed in the civic polls solely on bogus votes, results of which were announced yesterday.
Opposition candidates however, lost deposits because of genuine and legitimate ones.
At a post-poll meeting at the Press Club, a jubilant Speedy told assembled mediapersons and party workers that the resounding success was because of their collective handy work.
Excerpts from the exclusive interview to Nustakhallas.
"You won by a massive margin. What's the secret of your success?"
"I worked hard men. Aks any party worker. Generating bogus votes not easy men. Fadder Xavio also helping much."
"But with bogus votes?"
"I swear on my mudder men, the votes genuine da. Only I aks Savio to get fake ballot papers and mark dem."
"How did he manage that?"
"Easy men. Savio no, his fadder have printing press men. Dey no, have lattest machine. So I aks his dada. He saying no problem da."
"But you are actually popular."
"I know da. I laid so many roads. Den I give work to small contractor by digging up road men. Aks Mario, aks him. I laid most B-roads (not C & D). I even get inroad into criminal gang men. Dat Fernando no, he have paper knife allatime hidden at police station. Den that Breganza, have Killer genes. He no, carry dedly water pistol in back pocket."
"There are reports that you have taken bribes in the past."
"Where you hear dat men? Mudderpromise men, I only aks for signing amount. No bribe da."
"Now that you are in for another term, what do you plan to do?"
"I havta see men. Dese elections no, very expensive for me. I look first where and how to recover cost. Fadder Xavio no, he say to me: Speedy, tell dem da, 20 per cent for signature. But I finally Catch 22."
"How much will that fetch?"
"Enough for few one-by-two cutting with pavs at naka men. Plus some crore for next polls."