whats new (NEW)
Aaaw, I Am Not A Wimp, Says Blair
By Gautam Date
London, April 29: Lashing out at growing criticism that he was a stooge of the US, British Prime Minister Tony Blair said all that was totally untrue and that he has permission from George Bush to say so.
"I am not a wimp. I don't have to toe the American line all the time. Britain is an independent and sovereign country," he said sounding gruff at 10 Downing Street on Saturday, adding "That's what Bush asked me to tell you."
Foreign Minister, Robin Cook said, "Yeah, we didn't like the image that Blair was portraying. You can't say no to everything the US doesn't."
The British Prime Minister's hectic trips during the Afghan campaign were seen as the American president's dexterity at puppetry.
"In fact there are more British troops in Afghanistan than American because I say so and not because Bush has asked me to say something he wanted me to say in the first place anyway, " Blair said.
Jacques Chirac kept nodding his head all the time. "He is a very likeable fellow," said the French minister for foreign affairs. "He nods to everything the coalition says."
Blair's ailment, despite his tours all over, has not managed to affect Israel, Iraq and of course our man Osama, who appear to have developed some kind of a collective immune system to it. Other regions also seem free of the Yes Dubya, anything for you Dubya syndrome.
The Royal Society of London for the Improvement of Natural Knowledge has engaged the services of spin doctors-at-large at the urging of the Queen. On the panel are physicians, media strategists and make-up artists who will give Blair a comprehensive image make-over complete with hormone injections, attitude and pancake respectively. No more caricatures they said, depicting the British Prime Minister holding Laura's hand and captioned Yes Daddy.
Clinton Seeks Equator; MJ Bleaches Naomi
By Gautam Date
Ischgl, Austria, April 24: Former US president Bill Clinton, who is apparently smitten by supermodel Naomi Campbell has decided to move to the equator to get a dark tan.
Initially Hillary refused all calls from Nusta Khallas but when routed through Naomi's mum Valerie, grudgingly admitted that agents had been sent to find the equator.
"These reports are wrong," insisted Hillary. "He is not finding it to get dark."
"Billy was always naughty. Had it not been for his whistle which Monica blew, I guess it would have been fine," said a spokesman for Clinton.
Campbell's agent had a completely different tale to tell. Talking from her office in Paris, she said, "I don't know about a Clinton tan. But I can definitely tell you that Naomi has taken to bleaching and is getting daily medication from Michael Jackson."
It may be recalled that doesn't matter if you are black or white were the lyrics from one of Jackson's famous albums.
Meanwhile, Clinton's personal physician, Dr. Connie Mariano said she was against the move. "I think a deep tan isn't a good idea. It would be embarrassing if his nose sets off IR detectors."
Judges To Inquire About Chest Pain First
By Gautam Date
New Delhi, July 18: The Supreme Court recently passed a judgement requiring arresting officers and magistrates to implore the accused to complain of chest pain first.
The learned bench found that in each and every case for years on end now, the trendiest activity of the accused was to complain of chest pain immediately upon arrest. With so many high-profile scamsters being arrested in hordes everyday in various parts of India, the bench thought it eminently wise and so save the police a lot of procedural trouble.
It is understood that should the judgement become law, a sitting bench would be shifted to probable hospitals or in some instances conversely, an ancillary cardiac unit moved into the court premises primarily to monitor the normality of the heart rate.
The trait is so widespread, that it has not only confused the common man but the police and magistrates as well. It has become increasingly difficult to tell if a person is under a cardiologist for being arrested or whether there simply was a faint likelihood.
This has put the police under additional burden of checking criminal records of all patients admitted to cardiac wards, even if on their own accord, while doctors have to check police logs to ensure the patient indeed requires cardiac care that is unrelated to crime or criminal activity.
Complaining of chest pain is so very commonplace and banal that to save themselves trouble, most civic hospitals have insider policemen on their pay roll who tip them off about an impending arrest, thus giving the hospital sufficient time to keep a bed and cardiologist ready as soon as the arrested complains of pain (usually averages 10 minutes).
The judiciary, quite alarmed, expressed fears that this could very well become a fundamental right under the constitution and by extension, turn the best cardiologists into policemen or arresting officers.
Neurologists across the board however, are a bewildered lot. They are yet to figure out how sheer convenience and chest pain were related.
Nusta Khallas thought of including a list of convenient Chest Pain Complainers just of the past month but quickly realised, would have run out of space on all our servers.
IPS Body Aghast At Sincerity Of Purpose
By Team Nusta Khallas
Godhra, March 31: In a peculiar revelation, officers of the Indian Police Service (IPS) found that sincerity and dedication to work have curious perks.
This bizarre discovery, yet to get endorsement of the IPS Officers Union (IPSOU) pending further investigation, has found many Superintendent of Police taking to duties with dedication so they may get home faster.
SK Sharma, an officer of the 1992 batch said, "I had applied thrice for transfer to Bhavnagar to oversee my son's education. Every time my application was rejected till now."
He was truly thankful to god for the communal riots, which he termed a "blessing in disguise". "I got a brilliant idea soon after the Sabarmati was set ablaze," Sharma said. "I knew it would be unbecoming a police officer curbing the ensuing carnage but I did it anyway. Such irresponsible behaviour was wrong and unethical," he lamented.
"I know policing mobs portrays a bad image. But I wanted the transfer badly," Sharma said flashing his orders with glee.
Ganpat Rao, another officer of the 1989 Maharashtra cadre was held guilty for the absence of even a single incident of looting, murder, arson or rape in Kutch.
Minister of state for home (without any portfolio) said this reflected badly on the city. "How can Kutch remain peaceful and incident-free when other cities and towns are grabbing headlines?" the minister wanted to know.
Asserted Rao ruefully, "I had approached the same minister with pleas to be shifted since my mother required medical care. Then the massacres started", he said with such obvious relief. "It was absolutely a god-send. I decided that the only way to get shifted was to control rampaging hordes," said Rao, packing his bags. "This is my 24th transfer in less than a year. India has so many beautiful cities. Its a tourist destination," was his afterthought.
The IPSOU has decreed, for the time being at least, that this disturbing trend must stop immediately. "Sincerity and dedication to duties could become so rampant that it will be difficult to find even a single religious incident anywhere in India," cautioned Keyholo Bandophadyaya, its chairman. "What will the police do then? Instigate communal riots to find work?"
Tomato in Parliament
The Prevention of Terrorists and Terrorism (legislation) has been ratified from Pota and will now be tabled as Prevention of Terrorists and Terrorism Ordinance (Potato).
The winter session of Parliament, later in the year, is likely to see the tabling of the Those Offering Money And Terrorists Overseas bill to reign in a wayward Islamabad. Legumes and other tubers are being drafted.
This is absolutely a beaut. It's by far the best joke/quote I've heard in a long time. A septic tank complimenting the turd? You decide.
"I don't understand why Modi is being targetted like this for no fault of his."
--BJP president K. Jana Krishnamurthy
Likely International Venues Picked
Exclusive to Nusta Khallas
United Nations, April 10: The UN Security Council passed a voice vote on likely venues for major events and landmark occasions all over the globe. India and the sub-continent, it was decided, would play prominent hosts. The white paper lists:
Gandhiji's Sabarmati Ashram: For planning acts of arson, looting, murder, stabbing and related diversions.
The Pentagon: Ways to mercilessly bomb countries that are puny, malnourished and dying anyway. It's so very safe and risk-free. (Rider: Say OK or we'll bomb you before you say nyet).
Ten Downing Street: How to hold onto a skirt with loose elastic on a slippery waist to say Yes Daddy or Yes Uncle Sam.
Champs Elysees: Plea meet. Please, please allow us to beg you for offering our help. Anyone will do. Please. Please. We belong, y'know.
Islamabad: Genocide in Kashmir, India and here and there. But, psssst, don't say we told you. Honest, we didn't, did we? Too, global media bullshit and con.
Tel Aviv: Organising field trips and excursions for idle armies. Have fun boys.
CM's pad, Gujarat: How to stoke bonfires across towns and cities. So visually nice from air-conditioned balconies on moonless nights.
Afghanistan: On ways to survive years of war, famine, quakes and minor disturbances like US bombings.
Ramallah: Standing up to US endorsed aggression by Israel and other jerks.
Suite 420, WTC: How to vanish with a lot of trace.
Gandhidham: Application of the Mahatma's principle against minorities (then the British). Same equation, slightly altered now, circa 2002.
Beijing: They have their own venues. Also an irritating veto. Whats the use? Let them be.
Buenos Aires: Perfect ambience and setting for shredder repairs and board meetings of Arthur Andersen and Enron.
SS-Junkerschule Braunschweig: The Fuhrer's exclusive masters programs for volunteers of the RSS and VHP. Guaranteed certification.
Vagator Beach, Goa: The shacks on the sands. Aaah, Indiaaaah. The spirits have always been elevating here.
Arsonist's Guide To Dummies
At the review committee meeting of the NCERT, it was decided that some words and phrases below would be included in the new text books for class III and IV. These will replace Peace, Communal Harmony, Non-Violence (perhaps even The Mahatma - yah Allah; tauba, tauba) and other such redundant catch-phrases to get children started early at their preferred avocation thus grooming them into beacons of communal intolerance.
CopyLeft @ Gautam Date
Alive: A short-lived period of metabolism. Best forsaken when dying.
Army: Called out to chase local police into quelling rioters.
Arson: Leaves behind burnt homes, cars and stuff for municipality to clean.
Babri Masjid: Some vague ruler built it. He isn't around so lets bash up his descendants/followers.
Bandobast: Total police visibility till arsonists arrive.
Beaten up: Minor changes to facial and skeletal features caused by communal riots (see below).
Blast: 0.03 on the Richter. Makes noise eminently audible from epicenter.
Burned down: May closely follow the above in some instances. Ends in all shades of black.
Carnage: Results of extra curricular practicals on burning, throwing bricks, killing, etc.
Communal riots: The latest fad in group activity. With no worthwhile disposition, just do it.
Community: Minor in pockets when not in majority. Vice-versa.
Compensation: Official pat on the back for losing house, money, entire family, car, bank but for retaining undies. Felt only after 10 years.
Dispute: A general anomaly to get in the news. Cause it.
Economic growth: Dangerous mix. Economy has nothing to do with growth. (Or is it the other way 'round).
Home minister: Official post. Free perks, free guards, free goodies, free *.*, free *.*, free *.*, no comment till toll touches 569.
Iqbal Sheikh: Has one hair. Shake, rattle and roll he didn't. So kill him.
Kerosene: Supplements petrol. Available on all fake cards through PDS.
Looted: Physical proof that things are portable.
Marauding mobs: Group of 10 WWF hunks who back off when they see 6 wrestlers.
Miscreants: Same as above. Only it's 10:3.
Mob violence: Sunday communal activity. Generally spills into the week.
Narendra Modi: Whats it? A joke? A turd? Lump of shit? Flush it down.
Petrol: Discovered in Russia. Makes great Molatov's.
Police: Invisible when wanted.
Press conference: Public forum for politician's bullshit. Often comes after Parliament adjourns thrice.
Relief work: A constitutional figment of government imagination.
Religion: The colour and chimera of god. Most unsavoury at best. Avoid use.
Set on fire: Effective and totally conclusive if petrol used.
Shootout: Scientific test technique for Ordinance Factory produce.
Situation normal: Twin plane, comatose facade as they kill visibly in background.
Skirmishes: Part-time work for unemployed. Also, minor killings and riots producing only a few dozen dead.
Stabbing: Close range predecessor of Commonwealth fencing. Low cost, sometimes fatally conclusive.
Tension: Heightened, agitated state of animation. Kill anytime you wish.
Torched: aka Set on Fire. Used when word count critical.
Undisputed land: Piece of open lavatory that's yet to be usurped.
Vigil: What the police claim to maintain in their absence.
(Editorial assistance from Mariam-Lobster)
The NDA National Conclave adopted a resolution to rename Gujarat which will then have a new, government, administration, municipality, elected members, NGO's, et al, and henceforth be called Relief Camp.
Judge Passes Motion; Ministry Informed
By Gautam Date
New Delhi, March 8: The Allahabad High Court yesterday permitted the construction of an all-new, swank Pakistani embassy on the disputed temple site.
The bench was of the learned opinion that it was quite legal under Section 144 (assembly of four or more persons) of the IPC since, with an increase in the number of expulsions from India, the embassy was left with just four persons.
The sitting judge passed a motion in the chair.
Such loose motions, the prosecution felt, were actually uncalled for and not quite in keeping with the solid ones judges passed in chambers.
"How can they let such motions pass? Its full of crap," said retired Supreme Court advocate Just Malani to this correspondent in private.
Holy Sorabjee, the attorney general, had a cautious statement to make. "Yes, many have guardedly called it shit (on hind sight) but given our judicial system, we are allowed to make all kinds of motions in the chair, however unpleasant they may be."
The law ministry has been appraised of the stinker. One of the options before the minister is whether the sanctity of the chair can be maintained by permitting a sitting judge to use various benches of other courts to pass motions. The alternative, entailing more paper work, would probably be wiped clean, said officials who wanted to be named.
Parliament could witness noisy scenes when it convenes, with treasury members likely to rush to the well to wash it all - and the stink - off.
Forget KBC. Just Grab a Bush
Kandahar, November, 22: Terming the $ 25 million award placed on Osama bin Laden's head as a minor irritant to be completely ignored, even by mentally challenged westerners, the security chief of the border town of Spin Boldak in Kandahar, Mohammed Saeed Haqqani doubled the ante and has now offered $ 50 million for Bush.(http://www.rediff.com/us/2001/nov/21ny2.htm)
Of course with a surprise rider that frankly, defies analysis: they want him alive.
At a press meet in a plush five-star hotel in Kandahar, Haqqani said that they have raised a large portion of this prize by selling Soviet arms to Washington. Iraq and Saddam Hussain have pledged 15 million, bin Laden and Al Qaieda has contributed 25 million and the rest, Haqqani said, was coming from Taleban symphatisers in the USA and Britain.
So massive has been the support for the reward that Haqqani claimed there is every likelihood the amount may go up substantially.
Pushtuns, Afghans, the Taleban and others have offered secure transportation to Afghanistan from any location in Washington once Bush is found and captured.
Asked what the Taleban would do when Bush finally gets to Afghanistan as a captive, Haqqani said, "First, of course, we will release the reward money. Secondly, and most important, we shall cut off all supplies of shaving cream and razors to Bush. We then plan to get him a traditional and completely new wardrobe. We shall also do a little downsizing."
The security chief went on to add that once Bushes' comic and nuisance value wears off, they plan to offer him to the Northern Alliance, should they need some entertainment in the severe winter. Afghan ladies would be permitted a little humour in their lives and may be allowed to watch too.
It is believed that Musharraf threw a secret but lavish banquet.
Back home, taking a cue from the Taliban offer, prime minister Atal Behari Vajpayee was in emergency conference with home and defence ministers, Advani and George Fernandes, to offer a similar reward, in Rupees, to anyone who kept Veerappan permanently in the jungles.
Doctor Gives Turn to Kumble's Spin
By Gautam Date
Bangalore, May 17: Spin wizard Anil Kumble's jaw, completely redone recently in the city, will make him a better spinner fells his surgeon.
"He will bowl better against the wind with a new aerodynamic jaw-line now that he has more shine on one side," said Dr Kishore Naik.
Kumble had two titanium plates installed in his jaw.
"He will definitely get substantial movement, more so in the air," said the doctor at a post-operative press meet. "Like the kokkaburra ball (an Australian export), Anil could well swing better."
Harbajan Singh however believed Kumble's spin will be static. "Pappe, I am saying, Kumble-ji will bowl better because of his special ability to stick his tongue out during delivery."
Nusta Khallas discovered what this meant when we found Kumble with a hand-held mirror. "I can make much better faces now. My previous repertoire was not effective overseas. Players did not drop guard .... oops, I didn’t mean that," he clammed. "Well, as I was saying, I now hope to make them giggle during run-up to let a googly slip in."
We could not get the opinions of Chetana Kumble, staff nurses and the ward boy who preferred mirth to comment.
Incidentally, the Mervyn Dillon bone-cracker brought Kumble some sponsorship deals from breweries when it was known he was on liquid diet for some time.
Azharuddin Nominated For Wisden
Hyderabad: Flamboyant erstwhile Indian captain, Mohd Azharuddin has been nominated for the Wisden Award.
He was quite thrilled and gushed at our reporter. "Well, youknow howitis youknow. Charity youknow beginsathome youknow. I will use the money youknow, to pay off debts and buy Sangeeta some donuts she was askingme youknow."
As he ran to catch public transport bus # 44, Azhar shouted, "Youknow, you lose some and you winsome."
Ganguly Defarts For The Windies
By Gautam Date
Bombay, April 3: The Indian cricket captain, Saurav Ganguly found some genuine reasons for the team's imminent series loss to the West Indies just prior to departure.
Ganguly, emerging from the airport's restroom facilities, looked apparently revived even as experienced and discerning mediapersons heard a functional cistern in the background. (Bless him his social graces).
"It will be a tough tour," Ganguly said as he successfully came through a gruelling by-product, crystallised by the unreasonable responsibility of trying to draw the series, if not anything else. The captain, who initially seemed really buoyed, had let go inside.
"The West Indies are a great team. It will be deemed a significant win for us overseas," the skipper said in the event of a tie. "Nobody can claim we lost," was his refrain.
Supporters of the Indian captain have already begun shortlisting relay runners between Bangladesh and Calcutta. His fans claim their hero, should he achieve the regulation series washout, can be covertly escorted home from Dhaka where he would directly return incognito. In the unfortunate event of an Indian win, bookies have promised him sniper cover all the way from the Dum Dum tarmac to the airport's restroom facilities.
The skipper's captaincy, (nee, place in the team) was under cloud after Zimbabwe's recent tour of the country where the guests stuck to conventional but lofty Indian traditions of permitting the hosts a upper hand.
"Sachin has recorded a marked rise in stature after his recuperation and ought to stand tall on the tour," Chandu Borde said. "He is now all of 4'7" without heels," Borde added with a flourish.
Cricket management, board and Borde are not taking any chances whatsoever. Fresh and unpublished excuses, pretexts and denials are hastily being drafted in the unseemly event of an India.
Anand Draws With White
By Gautam Date
Linares, March 20: India's Vishwanathan Anand had to draw with white in the final of the Linares Open.
"My extremely successful chalk-on-canvas was a hit. The signature was what obviously did the trick," felt Anand adding, "The surreal paintings were well appreciated by most galleries in France who found my flourish in white truly a masterstroke."
However, accepting the opinion that most critics could probably not figure out the blank canvas, Anand said he had recently taken to framing his work in wood to distinguish it from the walls. It also hid the nail, he believed, that was increasingly attributed to him as another light-n-shadow masterpiece.
Most galleries were willing to install a pay-per-view infra-red spot to reveal his signature to comfort viewers that no one had stolen the picture or for that matter, forgotten and left behind the frame by mistake.
Galleries in India, taking a cue from their French brethren, abandoned plans to display Anand's paintings on glass partitions, reassuring purists that he had not used flash, multimedia and animation at all but had indeed used chalk on canvas.
Anand's exhibition is being held at the Nehru Planetarium. If you see stars, it's it.
Headlines Make Pervez
Compiled By Gautam Date
Whatshisname Pervez, increasingly delirious and demented, has fortunately managed some major headlines to our mirth. Here is what we found blurted all over.
India invites world media to top secret nuclear test.
ISI is a humanitarian non-government welfare organisation
India loses ODIs intentionally.
Earthquakes in active seismic zones handiwork of RAW.
Arms deal with Russia to safeguard Pak army.
Major volcanoes instigated by Indian PM.
ISI funded by India to disrupt sublime dictatorial and autocratic regimes.
Floods in Sahara caused by India.
US rubbishes Pervez claim that Pakistan is in Islamabad.
Osama hiding at 1, Race Course Road.
American Shell Oyster captured Pearl, released Sheikh Omar.
India is an integral part of Pakistan.
Kashmir belongs to Bangladesh.
Indian TV serials are silly, stupid and for dummies but hit in Pak.
Exchange Indo-Pak cricketing ties. Handloom ones will do.
India endorses US stand that Pervez has completely lost it, volunteers neurological hospitality since America can't offer cure.
As we go into publication, Nustakhallas has received an extremely urgent, reply-to-be-received-by-addresse e-mail from Islamabad for tips and guidelines in which Pervez would NOT be perceived downright and totally stupid.
Monumental task but we have dispatched an initial damage-control 44 GB multimedia file.
Results, if any at all whatsoever, are awaited.
(Headlines from The Jang Group, Daily Nation, Daily Dawn, Friday Times, Daily Millat, Frontier Post, Urooj, PakNews, Urdu Times and Aghaz)
Horses Begin Trading
By Gautam Date
Uttar Pradesh, February 26: The results of the 2002 Assembly elections have stirred a horse's nest in states where it was declared.
By the incumbent BJP's debacle, horses at the Mahalaxmi Race Course have frantically begun trading seats with charges and counter-charges flying tick between it, Delhi and various race courses situated in states where polls were held.
With not a single horse having won a clear majority in any state, each is jock eying itself into lunacy by offering the moon, including presidency of a state race course, to garner sufficient votes to form a two-thirds majority. Some have even gone so far as to offer a few previously elected asses for a ministerial berth.
So strange have been these alliances that the filly, Priceless, which had intentionally hoofed Ice Magic at a public rally in the Poonawali Breeders Cup, offered him a permanent membership of the RWITC with Pesi Scroff thrown up.
Similarly, Bhasker is now in turn riding Noble Opinion, which led in Punjab in the McDowell Debris, against its will in a post-race pact. Noble Opinion was subtly reminded of the telling nudges he got at the finish of Her Excellency Plate and His Highness Cup.
In sheer desperation, horses have taken to gifting mules and donkeys as added incentives. Some with a death-wish are contemplating throwing in sitting Lok Sabha ministers along with the asses despite the fact that the combination package seems asinine to most.
Horsing activity is expected to immensely intensify further as time nears for the Treble, Tanala and of course, the union cabinet Jackpot.
Political analysts are of the opinion that this sleazy trading by elected horses in prize donkeys, mules and incidentally, ministers for a cabinet berth has relegated racing to the pits. Those from the Hindi heartland rue the parody thus: Ghode ko na mile ghaas, magar ghada khaye chawyanprash.
(Inputs from the Common Man, the singular ass)
By Gautam Date
Heavenly Abode, March 15: The gods, in a heated debate, felt there was some rather unusual bull going around down between 26.48 N latitude and 82.14 E longitude.
Senior god (SG) was implying there was a great movement for the vaguest cause at a vague place called Ayodhya. Deputy god (DG), on the other hand, felt it was purely a political stunt to hitch a free and immensely rewarding ride on their collective Band wagon.
"I mean, why can't they have these periodic jam sessions at popular joints like Haridwar and Rishikesh. Foreign tourists could also keep the Pope updated couldn't they?" cribbed DG.
Deciding that they had monkeyed around far too much, they called out to chief god, Ram the Arian
"Hey Ram," they asked, "What's this brick, pillars, shilanayas, 15th March, fifteen March, pooja, verdict, permission, religious sentiment, janmabhoomi, temple and other mumbo-jumbo we been hearing about?"
"Well frankly, I am totally confused myself. I have been getting so many conflicting and contradictory e-mails, SMS and erratic voice invites. I think they have plans for some kind of a workshop for me down there."
"What will it do for you?" asked DG.
"I haven't the foggiest... DG, make it a double. Look both of you, what I've managed to learn is that they have some kind of a council called Supreme something.. that decides how I look and seem down there."
"That's sacrilege," piped in DG.
"But true. Ever since that whatshisname Valmiki wrote, in Notepad mind you instead of MS Word, about some bizarre accomplishments attributed to me (apart from that fictional mission against the LTTE in Colombo), they think I can still jet around with entire mountains as cabin baggage."
"Didn't your friend in the Middle East .. the one who broke away from Judaism and liked beards .. say the Camel Had Come Under The Mountain?" DG wanted to know.
"True junior, very true. But things were so simpler and really cool at that time. We could really chill out. There was no constitution, no high office, no parliament, no rabble-rousers in residence ... people were such simple folk. Why in fact, there was nothing even as remotely obnoxious as an INDIAN politician way back then."
"Is he THAT bad?" asked SG after a long, thoughtful pause.
"Is be bad? Is he bad? You fuc***g betcha. The free-loading bugger uses someone else's free account to send me mails from an anonymous IP address."
Royal Slip With the Lip at the Hip
By Gautam Date
Bombay, March 4: The adage has turned its fig leaf completely - it now has British monarchial endorsement whereby the house of Windsor accepts it royally thus: There Are Many A Lip Between The Slip And The Hip.
Prince Philip has succeeded in insulting the Chinese, Indians, Russians, Pacific islanders and Scots during the Queen's 50 years as monarch. Yesterday, he added Aborigines to the list.
Ten Downing Street hastily issued a communique saying Prince Philips' faux pas in Australia didn't amount to ignorance. The Prince had asked the Aborigines on a recent visit if they still threw spears at each other and why were they not in the national javelin team.
The Royal Society of Liars was quick to take up the Prince's cause. Terming such untutored statements as unmanageable, the society said it was a Royal British prerogative while the media was quick to label them collectively as ignoramus.
The Royals, it was quick to add.
"It actually keeps the media on alert," said Sir Lord Drake Raleigh, the society's chairperson.
The Prince had got into similar unsavoury media glare when he had asked starving Somalians whether they were naturally tanned and why their bone-structure was so prominent.
Royal media strategists claimed in private that the Royalty was a royal pain since it was they who had to cover up the regal foot-in-the-mouth disease and various other wayward follies.
"Oops" was increasingly gaining acceptance with Buckingham Palace, the strategists claimed and expressed fear that it would become a Royal by-word and a fixture of its lexicon. So were others like "I didn't mean the way it sounded" and "What you heard was not what I said".
The Queen, furious at these regular and periodic embarrassments, has taken a stand and asked all Royalty to clam up or henceforth begin and emphatically end any utterance whatsoever with "I didn't say that". Twice - fore and aft - for good measure.
Paes-Bhupathi Patch Up Again
By Gautam Date
Indiana Wells, March 13: Krishna Bhupathi, Mahesh's grandson said his grandpop and Leander have got together again for the 2067 Gymkhana Geriatrics Handicap Tournament.
India's foremost infirm, veteran tennis duo had split for the fiftieth time recently over a 68-year old centerfold of yesteryear.
"We have always played good tennis after we got together again and yet again," said Leander as he partially steadied his wobbly legs on a walking stick.
Confirming this, Dr Vece Paes, (Leander's grandson) said grandpa had certainly got his rhythm back. "Why, his walking stick was in a recent endorsement deal with Head," he said and added that Leander would henceforth play only with the company's brand of Long Lasting Guts.
There was considerable doubt the pair would patch up, particularly after their marathon five-set, tie-break loss to Chris Evert and Evonne Goolagong in an exhibition match at the Sundowner Ranch in Texas recently in which each faulted twice, thus causing double-faults.
At an out-of-breath press meeting the very next day, the duo attributed the loss to lack of calcium and from excessive gasping. "We will totter back and win," Leander said as he popped life-support pills.
They said that they used canes in addition to racquets since hobbling around courts had become rather pronounced and knee-jerked. "It helps to a certain extent but we still can't get fast enough to our balls," Mahesh said adjusting his dense bifocals.
To add to the pair's woes, organisers of the forthcoming Vintage Home For The Aged Open Classic are likely to reject their entries. Coach Enrico Piperno, inserting his dentures and fixing his sound-activated hearing aid, said the managing committee perhaps may note complaints of high-decibel creaking joints.
"We're together yet again and we are here to win the first round," both said in a quivering voice while waving canes to dismiss claims that there could be another split and patch up, followed thereafter by a break-up, a feeling of togetherness later, a separation and then ....
By Gautam Date
Bombay, March 6: The Tip-Off syndrome has completely impregnated the local police. Most arrests, encounters, etc, are through Tip-Offs. So much so that officer on special duty at the commissionerate, Constable Ramprasad Bajirao, took our call purely on a Tip-Off.
We (sources later reaffirmed on a Tip-Off that it was actually Nusta Khallas) were enquiring about the encounter last evening at Higher Parel (a Bombay suburb) in which Killer Kalya (KK, Ticked-Off to most Near And Dear ones) was shot dead because of a Tip-Off.
Said Bajirao, "We received an anonymous Tip-Off from a reputed caller (Ganpat's name was withheld for security reasons) about Kalya, disguised as an extortionist. The Tip-Off said 'lift the phone' which I did and was Tipped Off to reply."
"I then Tipped-Off the 'encounter specialist', Bhaurao Kapse who Tipped Off solely in mufti as a policeman, to the spot and laid for the Tip-Off to happen. Being Tipped-Off about Kalya's movement in a suspicious and shady manner, Kapse's team was given a vague Tip to ask for identification."
"Kalya immediately removed his foreign-made country pistol and acting on a Tip-Off that he was going to really fire at them point-blank, the police team raised their little finger signifying 'time out' while they undid their holsters, removed their revolvers, re-loaded, cocked, aimed, thought about it finally and ultimately fired," said Kapse.
The firing, the police commissioner claimed, was on a Tip-Off that it would be called self-defence by the media.
The raiding party were later informed, purely on a Tip-Off, that the encounter was a success. They immediately rushed Kalya, on being Tipped-Off that it's the best thing to do after death, to the hospital, where doctors pronounce him 'dead upon arrival' after a Tip-Off.
Nusta Khallas filed this report on being Tipped-Off about such Tip-Offs.
The Bombay commissioner of police has issued fresh guidelines where encounter will be removed from police lexicon and replaced by Operation. Official killings will however continue.