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Archive III

Barrichello Becomes Hearing Repaired

By Gautam Date

Nurburgring (Germany), June 25: Ferrari's step-son Rubens Barrichello, who won the European F-1 beating team-mate Michael Schuamacher, had actually lost his hearing temporarily during the closing stages of the race.
The No 2 of Ferrari was quite shaken he admitted privately, when his communication equipment remained silent with no orders forthcoming to let a closely-following Schumacher pass. It was reported that Barrichello had seriously considered taking the checkered flag but had been driving around for the call.
In contrast, Barrichello, by now totally familiar with those fearful orders, spoke to the Ferrari team and told them that he was going to lose his hearing for some time - atleast till a few feet beyond the finish line. At 270 kmph on the final straight.
"It happened recently in Austria. It has happened before. I didn't want any calls from our technical director, Ross Brawn asking me to periodically check my braking system and let Schumi pass," he told Nusta Khallas. "So I quickly crossed over."
"In fact, I was working on loosening up the telecommunications wires so that it malfunctioned. I was distracted by Jenson Button whom I was forced to overtake with one hand on the wheel. It's a bit uncomfortable driving like that," he said at the press meet later.
McLaren's Kimi Raikkonen managed the podium but was unhappy though. "I don't understand Ferrari. I had almost overtaken Schumi. Had they stopped Ruby, I could easily have crossed over first by overtaking the two. This is just not right. By not asking their second driver to pause, Ferrari have not played fair. I was left high and dry. I didn't get any champagne on me at all. The Ferraris sprayed the magnum amongst themselves. So selfish."
Barrichello fans in home country Brazil forgot the World Cup to samba the streets and paint the town Ferrari.

New Bi-Lingual Shower Launched

By Gautam Date

Chitrakoot, March 23: Electrolux-India stole a march on competition by launching a washing machine that actually told dumb buyers smart instructions like "ensure electricity", "open lid, put clothes not hand", "it works better if you plug it in", etc.
Chitrakoot-based Pani Spray Industries soon began marketing a bi-lingual shower programmed to advise bathers what to do. Nusta Khallas tested the beta version and digitally recorded the following transcript in chaste Hindi and the Queen's English. (Italics indicate use of some Anglacised Devangiri Lipi, translated into Devangirised Anglish).

Abbey dhakkan, come inside
To bath*, shut darwaza first. From inside ulloo
Remove chaddi
Nal ghumao. Passing water? Shower se, idiot
Badan gila karo and rinse body fully wet. From backside too
Pick up saboon from saboon tray
Vigorously ghisav underarms
Ensure bagal-ka smell has gone
(naak-se inhale aur smell karo for residue odour)
Confirm and hone-ke-baad, apply soap idhar-udhar-jidhar
Phir se turn on tap
Let the pani remove saboon
Nal shut down karo
Eek hi haath uthao, wipe armpit with other
Aaine mein dekho if you look smug enough
Relaunch stale chaddi with renewed vigour
Bahar nikel-ke look totally afresh and idiotic

Nusta Khallas found the experience frankly, rather stimulating but voice bugs in the shower prevented some bathroom falsettos from fully appreciating their own talent at opening bars. Alas, our silent prayers went unheard.
(* = programming error)

Most Grand Slams Back Move On Kournikova
Say She Will Be Permitted Just First-Rounds

By A Special Correspondent

Wimbledon, June 28: The World Tennis Governing Body had to call an emergency meeting because of pleas from affiliated bodies all over the world that wanted to bring in a clause on tennis' most photographed female player, Anna Kournikova.
Each affiliate was unanimous in calling for a ban on her entry should she cross the first round. Some, like organisers of the Australian Open, went on to add that they were considering disqualifying her for qualifying.
The All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club committee admitted the blunder this year but said it would be careful in future. "It's embarrassing to have cameramen trying to catch a flash and ignoring the game altogether. Spectators have been known to overlook the fact that they are here to watch tennis. This is a charade that has to change," said Lord Worthworth with a stiff upper lip.
Kournikova is widely respected, admired and the most photographed player with the best statistics. On first round losses too. In fact she is considered the sexiest player to have the most glamorous routs.
Christian Bames, President of the French Tennis Federation, put forth results of the latest poll where Kournikova was dislodged as the glam queen by Daniela The Legs Hantuchova. "Hantuchova's endless limbs are a better object of desire. I think they will go far," he said of their length.
These developments, observers feel, could have an unsettling effect on seeded players who would avoid participating if asked to go through first rounds.
It is felt that should Kournikova ever get past first rounds, there was widespread fear she could manage the second too. "That would be disastrous for her because people would also come to watch some tennis," offered an ATP official.

State Assembly Moved

By Gautam Date

Bombay, June 7: In a dramatic development to politics in the State, the ruling Democratic Front (DF) government, which had accused the opposition of hijacking MLAs and spiriting them away to secret destinations, pulled off a monumental coup today.
It made the State Legislative Assembly (Mantralaya) disappear.
Opposition parties launched an agitation on the vacated land and accused the government of using outside forces like PC Sorkar and David Copperfield.
Disappearing MLAs were the latest trendy legislative activity in the State all of last week. So much so that you just didn't count if you were even accessible by your most deceptive e-mail ID.
Notorious vanishing acts were the rage, with entire plane-loads going into oblivion.
Members of a political party managed to give their captors the slip. They were spotted by another group of politicians and promptly kidnapped. The convoy carrying the captors and captives was hijacked enroute.
A posh and exclusive high-rise residential complex for MLAs seemed to be under construction. All its apartments disappeared.

Newspapers Show Solidarity

By Gautam Date

Paris, May 28: In a show of unity with the German newspaper The Tageszeitung which published George Bushes' comments verbatim by bringing out an issue with a complete blank front page, the leading French daily, Le Figaro, brought out an edition printed sideways.
The French were seen bending at disagreeable angles to read, prompting a tourist onlooker to wonder whether it was their diet.
The Tageszeitung's resident editor told Nusta Khallas, "News is news. We have to be truthful and report what Bush said at the Reichstag. We felt a blank front page said far more than what Bush didn't mean but spoke anyway. Bullshit is bullshit."
The Daily Ausaf of Pakistan decided to alter their editorial just a tad by using the left-to-right option with dynamic founts. The phone didn't stop ringing at its offices soon as the daily hit the stands. Readers wanted to know how they reached the Daily Ausaf despite repeatedly dialing wrong numbers.
The Indian Express made an exceptional, landmark gesture of solidarity. It forgot its edition.
The Washington Post printed the full text of the president's speech. The paper however, did it upside down making it almost impossible for Americans to read.
It did publish a public clarification the next day that emphatically urged readers to turn the newspaper around.

And The Reward Goes Too

By Gautam Date

Malaysia, April 8: Prominent sponsors of Bollywood's film award functions are drenched in tons of sweat. They are popping Manikchand and squirting juice in double quick time all over the place. Apparently the chuna isn't sticking.
The firm completely stopped production briefly to gape at the live telecast of the India International Film Academy Awards. at Genting Highlands here. Distributors, wholesalers and dealers also paused to watch in horror the success of the show. So much so, end-users froze their squirt mid-way, leaving experienced, artful dodgers with a little juice residue on pants.
The slick presentation didn't have any of the conventional hiccups associated with shows in Bombay or Delhi.
What was scandalous was the presence (later validated as absence) of prominent stars from town. "I mean, even Bhujbal found time for Malaysia and not the Andheri Sports Complex?" a gutka executive wanted to know.
"Not surprising," said rival Pichkari Adhikari using a spittoon. "India is an international brand. The World Marathi Conference in Seychelles, the Global Telugu Meet in Thailand, while an entire state cabinet goes on a two-month tour of the US, ostensibly to study the impact of space shuttles on merits of open-air sanitation. Quite in tune with trends, I assure you," he reaffirmed.
What got the gander its goose was the elegant manner in which it was carried off. Presenters didn't lose slips, there were no embarrassing pauses and underarms were so uncharacteristically stain-free. Majority viewers actually felt the awardees, unlike at the Oscars, seemed to hold their trophies aloft forever.
The musical score was obviously well appreciated. Service centres reported a minor drop in replacements for mute buttons.
Airlines have woken up to this mass departure madness and are in talks with gutka companies to collectively spruce up such events and keep them indigenous. It would be downright stupid they said, to have a Malayalam OST premiered in the USSR.

Mad Hunt For Free Ring Tones

By Gautam Date

Islamabad/New Delhi, June 2: The heightened military tensions in parts of the sub-continent stimulated a few world leaders to act true to style.
They got online using someone else's account to search and download free ringtones for their mobiles to keep in touch.
Sites that asked for a simple, yet free registration were given a skip. President Bush called up Vajpayee and warned, "Everyone will know you use a free facility. They can trace your IP."
"How will they know where I do it?"
"I meant Internet Protocol."
"Oh, that. I was almost embarrassed but yeah I agree," replied the Indian PM. "But you have a problem, I think. If you try and login as georgebush, chances are that it would have already been taken. But I must say, vajpayee is quite vague and likely to get accepted. Just a sec, lemme try."
While the Indian Prime Minister was looking for something traditional and patriotic like Vande Mataram, all he managed to get free was a custom Allah Ho Akbar tune from a Saudi Arabian domain.
Bush meanwhile, gleefully jumped about after he successfully managed to get routed through ICANN by breaching firewalls to download Nivea's chorus Make No Mistake. "I did it, I did it. Don't err," he synonym-ed using a White House phone to dial his mobile just to confirm.
Not wanting to be ignored and left out, our man Musharraf, frantically got on the net to find something equally patriotic but in chaste Urdu. He did download a few, including ditties to Mohammed Ali Jinnah but all his handsets seemed incompatible.
The messages kept going from right to left in chaste English.
It frustrated the President so much that he threatened the use of nukes on the handset.
In utter desperation and on the advice of his strategic telecommunication analysts, he held his mobile upside down.
This had some unintended and rather bizarre effects due to transmission relays - the President heard himself before he even said anything.

How Is Manipulation Rigging Asks Musharraf

By Gautam Date

Islamabad, May 1: General Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan, who recently won a landslide referendum, said in Peshawar yesterday that it was the verdict of the people endorsing dictatorships.
"The people of Pakistan have always been conned by the military and are beginning to like it. They are not used to banal stuff like democracy, peoples consensus and other silly stuff."
Counting of votes, say The Human Rights Commission of Pakistan who were monitoring the process, was brisk. So very brisk some officials found, that counting was long over before the polling booths opened for the public.
In a related incident, the presiding officer at a polling booth in a government college for women in Rawalpindi was admitted to the local Holy Family Hospital with unusual muscular fatigue. The officer claimed that at dawn (no, not the newspaper silly), they had to mark thousands of ballot papers and destroy traces of invalid ones. He finally fell down in fatigue when the last vote was validated.
"A voters list? What's that?" he wanted to know. "You don't understand. This ailment had nothing to do with elections. My right hand is in ice because since early this morning, I was stamping the Yes mark of thousands of ballot papers. We were under strict instructions to finish before noon," he said. "The strain from all that franking was too much for one day."
Gorge Bush said in Washington that he was monitoring the process. "We are watching the developments closely," he said as he switched channels to NBA.

God Rues Inability To Make House Calls

Webcam transcripts to Gautam Date

Heavenly Abode, April ONE: God was telling his assembled congregation of deputies and assistants that he rued being unable to visit people personally like he could do with such a flourish earlier.
"Now just take India for instance. Once upon a time long, long ." he embarked to knowing nods from his deputies and assistants. "Yeah, yeah, I know. Well, as I was saying, there were so few people then. It was possible to meet them in the flash. Even if laser generated."
"I know," piped in the deputy. "Every time anyone said Hi ya Prabhu, get me outta this shit you would briefly vanish. But lemme tell you, it was good that you stopped. People around here were beginning to think you bunked too much and left matters of state to lesser immortals."
"I guess you are probably right," said god. "I mean, imagine the logistics of visiting many more than a billion homes now."
"But chief," the assistant wanted to know, "I heard somewhere that India has just a billion."
"Arrey yedya," god lapsed briefly into vernacular, "Politicians would want encores, wouldn't they - to show the common man that it is they who are bigger Gods of trivial things."
"Boss, has it any connection to vote-banks, corruption, money power, politics, elections, fake ballot papers and something incomprehensible called Ayodhya I been hearing since my board exams?" assistant asked.
"I am beginning to believe it is, junior. Y'see, since I cant get around there so often, they flesh around my images and liberally quote on my behalf. Why, some have even taken to interpreting absolutely anything and later conveniently attributing it to me," regretted god.
"So do we now ignore calls of Hi ya Prabhu, get me outta this shit?" asked the deputy.
"I think folks," god said after a long thought that seemed eminently thoughtful, "Let US instead, call out to them and implore on our united knees, Hey Bhiku, get ME outta All Of Your Collective Crap."

A Badly Bombing Bush May Cause Quakes *

By Gautam Date

Washington, March 28: The recent, sad and devastating quake in Afghanistan has prompted the Bush administration to divert military spending to devising earthquake bombs.
At a Congressional meeting here on Wednesday, Bush is reported to have cited statistics to drive home his point about how such simple, natural earthquakes can be far more telling than spending millions on B-52 sorties, cluster and daisy bombs, troops, logistics, pink berets, etc.
It is believed stealth bombers, safe in the stratosphere, would drop the new bombs very quietly on satellite-generated targets.
Dick Cheney, holidaying in Iraq, was unaware of these developments. "True, Dick is yet to contact me," Bush said. "Cheney is such a ..," he stopped in mid-sentence.
Added Rumsfield, "I have been in touch with him through North Korea and he (Dick) will offer the president his briefs."
Saudi Arabia aired its apprehension about the new bombs. Prince forever-in-waiting, Sheikh Fahad Ful Khatoom reminded the US of past bombing inaccuracies, albeit insignificant, during the Afghan campaign.
The US was quick to reassure Riyad and allay its ally's fears that these bombs would not drop beyond Baghdad's city limits even if they were slightly off-target and missed Afghanistan.
The Iraqi capital is bang in the middle of the fictional X and imaginary Y axis.
In Kabul and Kandahar meanwhile, Al Qaeida players recovering from a hiatus, resumed soccer tournaments ignoring threats of the earthquake bomb. Most resolved to now play far, far away from relief camps, sub-divisional aid agency posts, civilian areas, mosques and the Red Crescent so as to rid matches of shaky goal-posts, crucially so during extra time.
(* = White House denied flatulence).

Bombay Loses Galmour, Focus Shifts To Delhi

By Gautam Date

New Delhi, March 22: The influential and the politically connected have begun an influx into the capital. Most of Bombay's (followed closely by Bihar's) well-known personalities are seeking permanent residences in Delhi, enrolling with exclusive clubs, hobnobbing at happening hang-outs and applying for arms licences.
This curious trend was attributed to the ease and impunity with which they could casually bump off glitterati and the famous here.
However, their priority so far it would appear, is to get into the inner circle of politicians for their tacit approval and unconditional blessing to any planned or purely incidental murder.
Most lawyers have forsaken jurisprudence to brush-up and hoard various anticipatory bail applications in sections of the IPC hitherto unheard.
This was evident from Poorna Satya Bolkar, a practising high court advocate who said he was forced to change work hours. "My practice was falling and I didn't get much work of late. With so many murders, kidnaps, killings and deaths happening in town, I opted for the all-night shift," he said with a knowing nudge as he signed bail for a model's murder. "Most find targets during happy hours and I have to be on anticipatory call," he sighed with glee.
"Business is booming," said Satyavati, another convert, flashing a bunch of blank applications she had invested in.
The AIIMS, Maulana Azad Medical College and other autopsy centres have now decided to await a summary of details to include in reports. The new vagary depended solely on which politician's protege was involved and what the police and the respondent wanted in the details. A tailored report would then be submitted with 3-4 misleading variations as back-up. This would eliminate any investigations whatsoever, shut the case permanently and entitle the accused to further accomplishments.
It was observed that those property builders and real estate agents who didn't get killed en-route, were giggling uncontrollably to banks.

Andipatti Derecognised

By Gautam Date

Chennai, February 20: In an unprecedented move, the Election Commission has derecognised obscure Andipatti, a small hamlet in Tamil Nadu, saying its present name is not on the official list of constituencies.
Confirming this in Chennai (once Madras), the EC, Sami Balasubramanian said, "Yes, the former Portuguese colony is named differently in our records. We cannot allow any unconstitutional constituency."
Andipatti, formerly known as AuntieFatty (which literally translated in chaste Tamil means Fat Auntie in English) was renamed by one of the earlier chief ministers to remove any physical balance, semblance or resemblance to girth, motorcades, corruption cases, accumulation of illegal wealth or even cut-outs.
Other constituencies protested and a combined petition by Tirichinapally, Triplicane and Tambaram was lodged. They were afraid this could set an unwelcome precedent and the EC could use this legislation to constitutionally derecognise a constituency.
When constituents of AuntieFatty heard the news, political parties took to the streets but Veerappan's peace-keepers maintained calm. No untoward reports were reported.

Nike Relocates Shoe Plant; Baked Beans Cited as Reason

By Gautam Date

Johannesburg, Sept 5.International shoe and sports accessory major, Nike, has decided to relocate its primary shoe manufacturing operations from the US to South Africa, Ted Johnson, company media representative said in Seattle yesterday.
Citing tactful business interests, Johnson said that the relocation plans were necessitated by injury to Sachin Tendulkars toe.
When quizzed further, Johnson quoted, "Marks Smith, our COO decided to shift the shoe manufacturing unit to SA since the firm aims at manufacturing special re-designed shoes for the star batsmen, in accordance with suggestions from Dr Mark Fergussion, his surgeon in SA."
We decided to probe further and interviewed Sachin's toe. Following is the transcript:
GD: How did the injury come about?
Toe: Well, it had nothing to do with cricket really as is reported in a section of the press. It happened when Sachin was using me to break bubbles in the bath-tub. What he didn't realise was that there were also some with methane among them. It was one of those that did me in.
GD: We presume Sachin had more than 239 baked beans prior to the bath.
Toe: Yes, that's right. It didn't quite strike him that one more would be two farty. I am amazed at Shane Warne.
GD: We heard that you have changed shape.
Toe: Not just me. There have been some structural changes to the Talus, Tarsal and Metatarsals as well.
GD: What are they?
Toe: The hairline fracture was identified under a high resolution proton-nuclear microscope (the electronic one couldn't find the fine crack). In fact when Dr Fergussion couldn't find the hairline, he decided to manually create one.
GD: So what will happen now?
Toe: With the complete change in shape of the Phalanges and a new, re-designed shoe, special manicure and nail polish, I have to participate in practice sessions of all of eight different styles of walking.
GD: Eight different styles?
Toe: Sure. I am familiar with MOON walk but ....

God # 2 on Charts

By Gautam Date

Washington, September 16: The terrorist attacks a month ago are blamed on Osama bin Laden despite the fact that the US has not provided the world (and its mongrel dog, the UN) any conclusive proof to the effect. Bomb them from a safe and secure distance anyway.
This has established Osama as the favourite hobbyhorse for any untoward incident anywhere in the universe. So much so that NASA, in a far fetching albeit original report, has attributed the recent discovery of hitherto unmapped rings of Saturn, to bin Laden. Even cyclones and typhoons, not to mention earthquakes, were blamed on Him (tragedies like natural deaths from ageing have been spared so far).
So pervasive has been the chief of Al-Qaieda, that he dominates the very minds and thought processes of Americans. Anything illogical to the feeble and underdeveloped American brain, is credited to Osama.
A man, trying to flee home in an anthrax scare, broke the strap of his chappal, lost his balance, cart-wheeled, temporarily deviated, jack-knifed, slipped and finally fell 12 floors. Federal agents promptly blamed bin Laden; not for the man's death but for the fact that American footwear was the cause.
With the Al-Qaieda chief, Osama bin Laden invoked each and every second by Americans, God has been pushed to second place.

Top Ten Search Queries

The Saudi millionaire has replaced God, sex, etc as the most searched term on the internet. Here are statistics submitted by Goggle.com

1. Osama bin Laden
2. Osama
3. Bin Laden
4. Laden
5. Al Qaieda
6. ALL Qaieda
7. "All of Qaieda" (accepts boolean)
8. Afghanistan
9. Kandahar
10. Dubyaman

WTO Talks Fail

By Gautam Date

Doha, November 9: Even before the World Trade Organisation talks could fully get underway, consensus seemed to elude leaders of developed and Third-World nations.
American minister of commerce and trade stuck to his hackneyed and trite stand that the US foreign policy has always been aimed at completely free and extremely fair, mutually condusive trade.
What most other less developed nations read this as was that it encouraged US exports but levied stiff duties on imports while it also put several countries and products on their banned lists. Their exports, America said, could be paid by (American) World Bank bail-out packages meant originally to help refugees, famine, drought or even colossal malnutrition and starvation deaths.
With such American sentiments, Asean countries cried foul saying their goods to the US were either totally banned or unrealistic tariffs imposed, making them far too expensive in markets there.
The meet did make strange bedfellows. Pakistan sided with India in condemning western stand that it was OK for them to give farm subsidies but not quite the same thing for India to do the same.
The developed countries were booed again when they wanted to impose restrictions on minimum forest cover in developing countries. It was politely pointed out to them that they have butchered over 50 per cent of rain forests themselves.
With fours cars per person in the US, it was quite fine for them to contribute to world pollution, dangerous fumes and carbon monoxide while insisting on developing nations to switch to CNG.
Consumerism was fine in the US but not so in Third-World nations. Buying stuff far more than one's needs was sound shopping sense. Getting just three square meals a day, the US tells us, isnt good for the digestive system.
It isnt coincidence that the last such talks in Seattle failed miserably. Perhaps we learnt a lesson there and went well prepared.
Proof in Murasori Maran's rigid, unyielding but totally justified stand.

Statue of Liberty Lowers Arm

By Gautam Date

Washington, September 14: After several more cases similar to the one where anthrax was discovered in envelopes at American Media, the FBI has banned its sale immediately.
Not anthrax but envelopes.
This they said was purely a precautionary measure until a full investigation was complete.
Courier companies reported a sharp fall in deliveries, the Postmaster General was contemplating alternate careers, envelope machine manufacturers revised targets for the fourth quarter, while paper makers across USA have large stockpiles of envelope paper.
As an added measure, with effect Friday, the FBI spokesman was quoted as saying that sale of any kind of powder will be banned altogether.
With this directive, most talcum manufacturers across America have had to lay off several staff, downsize projected returns and manage somehow to stay afloat in an already grim fiscal scenario, post terrorist attacks.
With no talcum powder reaching consumers, a mammoth black-market has mushroomed with a $ 1.99 jar of Cuticura talcum powder selling for as high as $ 9.99.
Most Americans have completely stopped use of talc. This has had an incidental, yet extraordinary, effect on people.
Elevators are a strict no-no, people don't attend air-conditioned offices, airlines have reported a further fall in passengers while people avoid going home.
The great outdoors, thus, have had to take a mammoth odorous physical abuse.
Specially designed porous clothing is the rage, replacing Gucci and Armani.
Air Force One is reported to be heading for fresher climes to a secret destination in Kandahar with Bush and the first lady.
Most Americans have left the country to relatives and friends in Iraq, China and Palestine.
The FBI, investigating into these completely illogical, bizarre incidents, haven’t discounted the bin Laden angle and attribute the lack of talcum powder to the extremely strong, totally robust and remarkably nauseating under-arm odour all over the US.
As a patriotic gesture, the Statue of Liberty has lowered its arm.

BCCI Picks New Team

By Gautam Date

New Delhi, September 20: With a series of injuries plaguing the Indian ODI team for the tour of South Africa, the BCCI, the Indian Olympic Committee and minister of sports, Uma Bharati, were desperately seeking solutions to put in a new and fresh team - one that will not be a customary and traditional embarrassment.
Emerging from the Khel Mantralaya building in New Delhi, Muthiah said a new team has been picked and Dr Anant Joshi who certified the regular players fit, fired.
The new team:
Saurav Ganguly (C) since he is Shaun Pollock's favourite bakra.
Rahul Dravid (vice captain). A complete oddity. He actually wins as acting captain.
Karnam Malleshwari: With a little steroids, can hit Clean (sixes and) Snatch (catches). The Proteas are posting ground staff with fishing nets outside the stadium. Special cast-iron willow being made.
Narain Karthikeyan: The speedster will replace Zaheer and compliment Sreenath.
Jaspal Rana: With his Accuracy and Fire Power, is expected to be used extensively in the slog overs.
Geet Sethi: Will provide the Cue for other players and Snooker the SA team.
Cheema Okerie: Excellent fielding prospect. Will be stationed in the gully.
Pullela Gopichand: Is believed to be a great wristy bowler and Shuttler between wickets.
Jeev Milkha Singh: For his expertise in playing on the Greens and his Swing.
Baichung Bhutia: Has tenacity to get Dribble and Triple centuries.
Aparna Popat: Will dhopat the SA bowlers and Shuttle for quick runs.
Twelfth Man: Mahesh Bhupathi. An Ace at Services. For water, pads, guards, etc.
Managers: Mike Tyson. To bash up umpires if they raise fingers before Ganguly's 100.
Arnold Shivaji Nagar. To assist in finishing up bits of umpires overlooked by Tyson should they have the gall to ask for the third against Indians.