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These Jokes Will Be Offensive. Quick, Get Lost.
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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
Rosey and Nina are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the Nina said to Rosey, "My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
Rosey replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing!
Why the penis on it was so large!"
Whereupon Nina accidentally blurted out,
"...and cold, too!"
One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
An old woman goes to the doctor's office. The doctor gives her a checkup and says, "I need to do stool, blood and urine tests."
The woman says, "Well can I just leave my underwear? Bingo starts in half an hour."
A news reporter decided to do a column on old Southern stories. He goes to the hills of Kentucky and finds an old guy sitting on his porch. "Do you have any stories you can share with me?"
The old guy says, "Of course I do. One time old Bob's goat got loose, so we set up a search team to find it. We sat around and had a few beers and then went looking for it. We found it, then we all screwed it."
"Well I can't put a story like that in the paper. Do you have any others - maybe a happy story?" asked the reporter.
"Sure do," said the man, "One time old Bubba's cow got loose. We set up a search party to find it. Once again, we had a few beers, looked for the cow, then we screwed it once we found it."
"Well, I can't put that in the paper either. Do you have any sad stories?"
"Sure do. One time I got lost!"
The Complete No-Sense Ghalib Collection
Bruce Lee's favorite musical instrument: Duff Lee
Bruce Lee's crazy cousin: Pug Lee or Jhal Lee
Bruce Lee in double role: As Lee and Naq Lee
What is Bruce Lee's Favorite dog? - Ju Lee
What is Bruce Lee's favorite vegetable? - Mu Lee (radish)
Who is the greatest fan of Bruce Lee? - Malaya Lee
What does Bruce Lee like to have for lunch ? - Tha Lee
What happens to the theatre once a Bruce Lee movie is over? Kha Lee
What is Bruce Lee's sister-in-law's name ? - Saa Lee
Bruce Lee's favorite food - Id Lee
Bruce Lee's favorite festival - Diwa Lee
Bruce Lee's favorite picnic spot - Mana Lee
Bruce Lee's favorite tree - Im Lee
Bruce Lee's favorite Actress - Sona lee
Bruce Lee's favorite Music - Qawa lee
What is Bruce Lee's most interesting job? - Coo Lee
When did Bruce Lee die? - Final Lee
How did Bruce Lee die? - with a Go Lee
A guy went into a public washroom and had to use the only available urinal, which was between two elderly men. He glanced to his left and saw the guy pissing, but there were two streams. "What the hell is that?" he asked.
"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes."
Then the guy looked to his right and saw three streams. "What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes."
The two veterans then looked over at the guy in the middle and saw 12 streams! "War wound?" they both asked.
"Naah, my zipper's stuck."
In the restroom at work, the Boss had placed a sign
directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"
The next day, when he went to the restroom, he
looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read:
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
The Van Gogh Family Tree
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
His Italian uncle: Day Gogh
The second cousin with the tiny car: Yu Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh
Types Of Men You Meet In A Loo
Excitable Type: Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.
Sociable Type: Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.
Timid Type: Cannot pee if anyone is watching. Pretends he has peed and sneaks back later.
Noisy Type: Whistles loudly. Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's tool.
Indifferent Type: All urinals being occupied, uses sink.
Clever Type: Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at same time.
Vain Type: Undoes 5 buttons to take out tool when 2 would have done.
Absent Minded Type: Opens jacket, takes out his tie and pees in his pants.
Worried Type: Not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of his tool while peeing.
Disgrunted Type: Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts and walks away.
Sneaky Type: Drops silent fart while peeing, sniffs and looks at the bloke next to him.
Sloppy Type: Pees down into his shoe, walks out with his zip open and adjusts his balls 10 mins later.
Learned Type: Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.
Childish Type: Looks at the bottom of the urinal to watch bubbles while peeing.
Strong Type: Bangs tool on the side of the urinal to knock the drops off.
Drunken Type: Pulls out his tool, sees two, puts one back and pees in his trousers.
Embarrased Type: Covers his tool with both hands as he stands there and pees through his fingers.
Cockeyed Type: Stands in one cubical and pees in next.
Scared Type: Those that look at the wall because they are scared to look at what they're holding.
Carlos phones his boss: "Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."
The boss says: "You know, Carlos, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work very soon. You got nice house."
Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"
Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"
Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."
Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named
your fourth child George?"
Woman: "Because we didn't want any Moe."
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. As bartender served her a glass of orange juice, the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties.
The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman that says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry.
Finally fed up, the Chinaman responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass."
Virgin male on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking what to do.
MOM: Put your biggest thing on her hairiest thing.
SON: OK. I got my nose in her armpit. Now what?
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
A woman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have these green patches on my inner thighs. Could you tell me what they are?"
The doctor asks her to strip and carefully examines the green patches just below the woman's vagina.
"Does your boyfriend wear gold rings?"
"Yes, doctor, he does," says the woman.
"Well, they are not pure gold."
Recently a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide.
The question asked was, "Would you please give your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they did not know what 'food' meant.
In Western Europe, they did not know what 'shortage' meant.
In Eastern Europe they did not know what 'opinion' meant.
In South America they did not know what 'please' meant.
And in the U.S. they did not know what 'the rest of the world'
Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he discovers that she has crabs. He thinks to himself "How am I going to tell the 1st lady that she has crabs?" After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office.
Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is.
He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.
She says "What?"
He again responds "Nixon's Disease."
She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?"
He responds, "Well Mrs. Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval office."